Guilt comes with many faces…

Being a mom, wife and daughter right now just sucks. I feel guilty when I leave my family to visit with my mom. I feel guilty for not wanting to spend more time with my mom. I need my kids and husband right now more than ever to help me cope, so as soon as I’m faced with the big scary abyss that will be my mom’s death, I just want to run to them. But I can’t, I have to spend as much time as I can with her so I don’t regret not getting every spare moment with her after she’s gone. Really though, I think I’ll feel that way regardless. I’ve been sick 3 times in the last 6 weeks which means I can’t be around her. I find myself using that as a bit of an excuse, because I could go over there with a mask on. Realizing this just makes the guilt increase, even though I think maybe it’s my body and mind’s way of saying “Hey, if you won’t give yourself a break, we’ll make you take a break.”

So today I’m going over there to watch old videos. I’m looking forward to it, but I also am mourning the loss of precious weekend hours with my family. God, how horrible am I?? My mom is 5 minutes away dying and I should be spending every free moment I have with her. My family will still be here after she’s gone right?? But the turmoil in my head just aches for the normalcy and contentment of being with my family, and even though I know they aren’t going anywhere any time soon, I still want to hold onto them even tighter.

A new day.

Now I have a ‘Brand New Day’ by Sting stuck in my head. And trust me, there is nothing uplifting or soft rock about this post. It is my first, and introductions are always awkward. I am a mom of two boys, 2 and 5. I have been married for 4 1/2 years and with my husband for 7 1/2. I live in Colorado close to my parents and in-laws. I actually like it, especially now since my mom is terminally ill. She was diagnosed with ovarian cancer a year and a half ago and is at the end of her battle now. She started hospice over a month and a half ago and has been trudging along, but now it looks like the end is near. Losing a parent is never easy, but the whacky dynamics of my family and our relationships with each other have made this easier in some ways and harder in others. I intend to talk about all the good bad and downright ugly here. Hopefully it’ll work as some kind of therapy. And big thanks to Cass for inviting me and allowing me to add my verbal vomit to her blog. 🙂

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