Guilt comes with many faces…

Being a mom, wife and daughter right now just sucks. I feel guilty when I leave my family to visit with my mom. I feel guilty for not wanting to spend more time with my mom. I need my kids and husband right now more than ever to help me cope, so as soon as I’m faced with the big scary abyss that will be my mom’s death, I just want to run to them. But I can’t, I have to spend as much time as I can with her so I don’t regret not getting every spare moment with her after she’s gone. Really though, I think I’ll feel that way regardless. I’ve been sick 3 times in the last 6 weeks which means I can’t be around her. I find myself using that as a bit of an excuse, because I could go over there with a mask on. Realizing this just makes the guilt increase, even though I think maybe it’s my body and mind’s way of saying “Hey, if you won’t give yourself a break, we’ll make you take a break.”

So today I’m going over there to watch old videos. I’m looking forward to it, but I also am mourning the loss of precious weekend hours with my family. God, how horrible am I?? My mom is 5 minutes away dying and I should be spending every free moment I have with her. My family will still be here after she’s gone right?? But the turmoil in my head just aches for the normalcy and contentment of being with my family, and even though I know they aren’t going anywhere any time soon, I still want to hold onto them even tighter.

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~ by Erin on March 7, 2010.

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